Kid Haikus

I remember when
motherhood was so easy.
I didn't know it.

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If I am having
such trouble with a preteen
all the teens are doomed.

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When D was little
she was such an easy girl.
Paybacks are a bitch.

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I have but one boy.
He is an enigma.
But I love him so.

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I am pretty sure
I have messed up it all.
I can only hope.

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Yet I would never
give up one minute of it
time with my children.

Child Rearing Haiku

Kids think differently.
They think only of themselves.
So do some adults.

Open a wrapper
and just drop it on the floor.
Mom will pick it up.

If you spill something
just whine about it instead
cleaning it up.

You can't find something?
Do not look! Stand in one spot.
Yell for mom to find!

Even if you stink
be sure to resist every
attempt to clean you.

And please act surprised
when your parents ask for you
to shower each day.

Whine for your parents
to buy something at each store.
They really love that.

Do drive your parents
just close to insanity
then do something cute.

Total survival
instincts keep most children safe.
They're lucky they're cute!

Preschool Haiku

It is never dull
when you have five 3-year-olds
to teach in one room.

Writing our letters,
practicing recycling,
tracing all our names.

Home schooling preschool
is a great experience
I happened upon.

Just don't forget your
energy and stamina.
You will need a nap.

Holiday Haiku

Christmas is coming.
I'm pretty sure I'll be nuts
before it's over.

My kids are fighting.
Santa threats never have worked.
They just do not care.

Probably a sign
that they have way too much stuff.
We should really purge.

I'm going to try
to remember the reason
we celebrate this.

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A Song for Toddlers

Do you ever feel like a saggy butt,
drifting toward the ground
wishing it back up?
Do you ever feel, feel so soaking wet
like a filled up sponge,
one drop from a full cup?

Do you ever feel already swimming deep?
Underwater flails but no one seems to see a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's training for you

You just gotta try, the potty, and try some more
Just own the poo like like you're more than four.

'Cause baby you're a diaper butt
Come on show us that you're tough
Make the pee go bye bye bye
as it flushes going bye bye bye!

Bath Time Haiku

Please explain to me
why when I say it's bath night
my kids act surprised.

We do bathe them all
regularly even though
they act like we don't.

I guess they'd rather
stink to high heaven than spend
ten minutes washing.

Vomiting: A Cheer

Vomit! Vomit! It's the best!
Put detergent to the test!
Make your parents cough and gag
as we clean and put in bags.
Late night baths are just such fun
when we think our night is done.



We wash and dry so many sheets
it's part of parenting that brings about feats.
You're impatient and tired
and hope to be wired
(or not) and want to sleep
or at the very least keep
the food inside the child.
I'm pretty sure that's not too wild.

Remodel Haiku, Or, Paint is Just Paint

Soon my son's bedroom
will be a shade of orange.
It may hurt our eyes.

He waffled between
choosing the green or orange
but chose the latter.

I think we may be
a little on the crazy
side of parenting.

If we have happy
and healthy and smart children
we will be happy.

Grouchy Haikus

I keep hoping to
actually freeze my butt
right off in the cold.

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My kids swear that they
like one another but I'm
not at all convinced.

*********

It really stinks that
I still get pimples when I
am older than dirt.

**********
When your son sleep walks
and pees on the bathroom floor,
you're thankful for tile.

************

Toddler Haiku

Is it possible
to ever keep a toddler
from the t.p. roll?

I think we go through
three thousand rolls every day
because she unrolls.

If I don't catch her
she puts it in the toilet
and flushes it down.

I'm pretty sure that
we waste eight thousand gallons
of water each day.

Fall Haiku Vignettes

I am still coughing.
It really sucks the big one.
I would like some health.

****

When I put my son
into his bed every night
he plays for two hours.

****

I'm asking Winter
to still hold off for a bit
then go away fast.

****

I wonder if I'll
remember to turn the clocks
to "fall back" Sunday.

****

Each Winter I think
homeschooling would be the best
so we stay inside.

****

Autumn Haiku

Only September
and the fevers have started.
Long winter ahead.

First quarter is done.
The Bigs are doing awesome.
They are working hard.

It's almost break time.
We'll go to the water park
as a big reward.

Fat Limerick

There once was a girl who was thick
but tried to look less like a brick.
She worked out and walked
until her knees just balked.
Weight loss just isn't that quick.

Back to School Haiku

The end of summer
break always comes way too soon.
Back to the routine.

Even though the kids
have been fighting for two weeks
Mommy will miss them.

But they will have fun
learn, turn into bigger kids.
More fun next summer.

Gift Haiku

There is nothing that

you can give a man who has

everything already.

Happy Birthday Dad! We love you!

Toady Haiku

Remember to tell
your kids when they're toad hunting
the toads stay outside.

School Haiku

It is the last day
I have a Kindergartner
and second-grader.

If these kids don't stop
growing up so darned all fast
I may have to cry.

Decrepit Haiku

Is it just me or
does everyone fall apart
when they turn thirty?


(I'm thirty **cough** **cough**... I mean I'm 29. For a few years now. Tell me I look much younger than thirty **cough** **cough** But holy balls I've had kidney stones, diagnosed with asthma, FAT, crazy, what else am I going to have to deal with? Sheesh.)

Hot But Not Cute Hot Haiku

It is not so great
when between the Girls there runs
a stream of hot sweat.

Though I still like it
better than freezing my butt
in the Winter time.

Potty Haiku

Why is it so hard
for my kids to remember
to flush the toilet?