Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Slow and Steady Wins the Race and other random thoughts

About 6 months ago I started a plan to try to lose weight. I was never a candidate for "My 600-lb Life," but I was also not small. I'm still not small, but I have made an improvement in my health. It is slow, but hopefully the slow and steady rate makes for long-term results. I started around Thanksgiving, which in itself is a challenging time to start a diet, but I also started a job outside the home. For those of us that are battling with social anxiety and introversion, you can understand this was a giant change for me.

I discovered through work that my anxiety mostly refers to adult interaction. The kids at the elementary school where I work do not worry me, they don't make me think twice about what they say...even the "disrespectful" kids don't phase me.I know to not take it personally when they are defiant. There are often other issues those kids are dealing with that have nothing to do with me. In many ways, I enjoy those kids that present a challenge.

As an obese person, I know that most people treat fat people as invisible. You can look around at your child's game and find skinny parents hanging out together and they make little to no effort to connect with you. That's just one example, but wherever you are, if you are obese, you will be ignored/invisible 90 percent of the time.

Honestly, so far I have lost about 50 lbs. It's a start, but no where near I need to be.

I'm so tired of being invisible. It feels like my kids are also being judged by their mom's weight. I feel like a failure. I am working to lose the weight, but combined with my anxiety, it seems like I and my kids will always be on the outside. We're never in the "in" crowd.  We're never invited to the party.

In many ways, I am happy we're not invited. My initial reaction to any invitation is "no."

At the same time, I want my kids to be included. I want them to have BFFs. I want them to make life-long friends, even though their mom couldn't do it. Their dad did it. His best friend was his best man and still talks to him.. They've been friends since elementary school. Friends are best that stick with you and know your interests. It takes us introverts a lot to try to make a connection with anyone..add social anxiety and we're really screwed. Then add obesity to the picture and it's pretty much clinched that people aren't going to want to hang out with you. It's okay. I get it. Much of the time I don't want to hang out with me either. But I want more for my kids and I'm afraid I'm teaching the wrong example.

So I'm trying to encourage my kids to participate in sports now so they might stay active later. The boy is presenting a problem, in that he doesn't seem to want to participate in anything. I think he'd do well in soccer or cross-country, but he is resistant. Both girls are big into softball, which isn't the most active sport, but it's better than nothing.

It's sad that 50 pounds lost looks like nothing. I have hope that I will become the me I should be though.

Friday, July 29, 2016

K Man is 12

So this kid turned 12 today. I kind of want to crawl under the covers and pretend it didn't happen, but so far he still needs his mom occasionally so I guess I'll be okay.





(I have pictures every year in this shirt, I was just too lazy to find them all.)

Friday, July 22, 2016

Miss M is now 14. So I must have had her at 15, right?

Happy birthday to the girl who made me a mommy. She is smart, athletic, beautiful...everything girls aspire to be. She does have her blonde moments...like when she said the beeping at the traffic light was for when the blind drivers would know to go.

Happy birthday beautiful girl. You are gorgeous inside and out.


Saturday, January 16, 2016

If I'm Only 29 That Means I Birthed Her When I Was 16

Of course, that's not unheard of...having a baby at 16. Thankfully, that is not the case with me. If I had birthed a baby at 16 I'm fairly certain I would have been a much worse parent than I already am. Miss M, I am sure, thinks that I am a terrible mother. I am "mean" and "embarrassing" and "annoying." These things I claim as my right as a mother. On the weekends, my husband likes to tell her he will "poke the grumpy bear" as she is particularly disagreeable in the morning hours. I don't blame her. Mornings are not my forte either.

All three of my kids have a strong sense of self. They recognize when people are jerks and generally steer clear of those kids. This often means that my kids will feel that their dad or I are being jerks and will then stand up to us. This defiance is different at different ages, of course. Ms. D is currently at the stage where she sasses back about everything and "I don't care" is the response to any threats of removal of privileges. K Man generally just shouts at me when he disagrees with what I say. There is a lot of shouting. Then he'll want to get hugs and kisses a few minutes later. Adolescence is a little schizophrenic.

Then there is Miss M. She's 13 going on 21 or something like that. She holes up in her bedroom 90 percent of the time, which is pretty much what I did in middle school. It kind of sucks, because I like having her around, but I get it. I was once 13, 16 or more years ago.

She brought home a high school information packet today. There are a lot more options for electives, etc, than when I was in high school. It was almost overwhelming. The cool thing about it was that she was so interested in almost everything offered. That was also the hard thing. How do you determine what you want to do in life at 13? I think we had a good discussion about the pros and cons of different electives. Then I wanted to curl up in a ball and deny the fact that my first baby is going to high school next year.

Just so you know: I can't possibly be old enough to have a kid in high school.

I'm not sure when I finally got over the amazement that I was a parent, but I remember feeling that I was participating in some form of charades for several years after M was born. I no longer feel like I am not "old enough" to have kids (nice that I can recognize truth after 10 plus years!) but that doesn't mean I don't screw up a lot.

I still want to put my kids in a freezer, yet I am looking forward to who they will become. In the meantime, I am cherishing snuggles from D and K, and poking my grumpy bear Miss M.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

15 TV Shows From my Youth I Want To Watch Again

There are several TV shows that I enjoyed in my younger days that I would love to binge watch again. I started with Dynasty on Amazon Prime and it's so bad it's good. The clothes are the best. The episode I last watched, Chrystal was wearing a sailor-inspired outfit with a big red bow at her neck. Terrible, awful, and totally 80s. I've also watched several episodes of Magnum, PI. I had a huge crush on Tom when I was a kid watching that show. There are other shows that I have found on Netflix or Amazon that let me relive my childhood, but here are some that I would enjoy watching again that I haven't found on either platform:

  1. Silk Stalkings
  2. Remington Steele
  3. Moonlighting
  4. The original series of V
  5. Quantum  Leap
  6. Episodes of Days of Our Lives (from my elementary school years that I watched when I was home sick.)
  7. Fantasy Island (fine. It's from the 70s. But still.)
  8. Kate & Allie
  9. Scarecrow and Mrs. King
  10. Solid Gold
  11. Spencer for Hire
  12. WKRP in Cincinnati
  13. Mr. Merlin (only because we were part of the focus group to decide if it would be put on air.)
  14. The Guiding Light
  15. ER
What shows do you want to watch again? What have you watched on Netflix, etc?
 
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