Thursday, January 19, 2017

Writing Vomit: Week 2: Dream Vomit

About a week ago I had this extreme dream where I dreamed I was dreaming and I couldn't wake up. But I might have been dreaming that I dreamed I was dreaming that I was dreaming and I couldn't wake up. So part of the dream had me partially waking up to find that I'm in a hospital, intubated, and I can't explain what happened to me.

Before that revelation, I was overseeing a village where (maybe?) I was the head of the village who had built a large "castle" on a hill, and had 4 families living in cottages below. All was well for a while until the "castle" family wanted to use cedar to make their castle prettier. In the dream the other families resented having to use wood from the former castle to improve their homes. The castle was built with cedar and huge windows. In my dream it was a paradise, yet many of the peoples populating the area were unhappy.

I also had a dream sequence where I sort of knew I was dying. It included seeing a bulletin board with different articles posted, but also photos that I recognized of my biological kids and some of my kids from school. I noticed a comic strip highlighted with elephants (I am currently reading a book that elephants play a major part in) that perhaps I had in my "life" published. I had the sense that the bulletin board was showing the dying me what I would miss if I died then.

The part where I was near death in my dream was really unpleasant. I remember calling out in my dream for my husband to wake me up. I wonder if I called out anything in real life.

If dreams are our subconscious way of dealing with issues in our lives, I wonder what this is telling me. Am I close to death or does it mean something else?

Edit: I am thinking the focus on death is the death of our country. I try not to write about politics online because I hate confrontation and I hate losing friends and family over stuff we really have little control over. My one vote did little. Our country is broken. Trump makes me sick to my stomach. He has no respect for anyone and I can't figure out why people I know and some that I love support him. If you love someone with a disability, or someone who has survived an assault, or someone who has arrived in the USA from another country...if you believe appointees should know basic knowledge of the area they are nominated to fulfill, please continue to protest.

I feel like I need 3 times the anxiety meds.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Writing Vomit-January 2017 edition

I haven't been able to write for a long time. The lack of posts here is certainly indicative of that. Part of the problem is that my kids are older and I no longer feel that I can write their stories for them, even though they've given me permission. There is so much more than just writing about my kids and yet I can't seem to transition to writing about non-parenting themes. I can write about pretty much anything at this point since almost no one reads or writes blogs anymore. Also, I remember when I started this blog and thought I would keep it secret and no one would really read it that I know, especially not relatives. Then I ended up telling everyone (almost everyone) about it anyway because I can't make up my mind.

This will be exceptionally hard to read because I was going to not use any paragraphs but instead I will randomly start a new paragraph. Writing teachers always told me to just vomit words to get to writing. This may be very awkward for all of us for weeks or months. All 3 of us that might still read here. (Hi friend and mom!)

My life no longer consists of staying home and taking care of my babies (who have not been babies for a while). I started working outside the home at an elementary school in November 2015. I started out as a noon time paraprofessional for 1.75 hours per day because I wanted to try to lose weight and I wanted to try the Medifast program. It's kind of expensive so I thought I'd work a few hours to try to pay for the program.

Medifast has worked and hasn't worked. I've lost about 50 pounds, but my weight has stayed around this weight for many months now. The program works if you follow it. I have a hard time getting in all the food I am supposed to eat. I'm also supposed to limit my milk intake and I kind of enjoy a glass of fat free milk in the mornings. So that doesn't work so well. I'm sure I'll write more about this journey.

Work has gradually increased since I started. The 1.75 was kind of a hard gig because I didn't know students outside of lunch and recess and I totally missed contact with many grades. It's hard to be taken seriously when you know literally nothing about a kid.

There is a long series of increases in hours, interviews, then change in focus. I moved from general education to special education. The move has been really rewarding. I work with kids with emotional and/or behavior disorders. These are some really special kids and I love the ones I know. The ones I don't know? I'm certain they are cool kids too.

Relationships are the key. Connect with someone. If it's a kid that needs a little help? No matter what these kids want someone to care about them. It may take some time to convince the child that you care. Don't take this transition time personally. It has nothing to do with you.

Enough vomit for today.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Just Call Me Coach

I had my first attempt at being a coach this fall. I coached D's 8U softball team. It was actually pretty fun and I think I did okay as a coach. I know most of the rules and some plays from watching M play these last 3 years. Today was D's last game for the fall season. Two of the girls I coached gave me hugs and I got several thank yous from parents. It made me feel good even though I felt like I was just winging it the whole time.

Our last game we were encouraged to wear costumes so I made some shirts for my mini-team (only 4 girls) and for myself. We were Pac-Man and the ghosts.
I thought we were quite adorable.

The girls really improved a lot in learning the game as well. Last weekend, there was even a double play! That's some great heads-up playing that even some of the older girls haven't mastered yet. If you have a chance to coach (especially at a young age-group level) do it! It is really fun!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Slow and Steady Wins the Race and other random thoughts

About 6 months ago I started a plan to try to lose weight. I was never a candidate for "My 600-lb Life," but I was also not small. I'm still not small, but I have made an improvement in my health. It is slow, but hopefully the slow and steady rate makes for long-term results. I started around Thanksgiving, which in itself is a challenging time to start a diet, but I also started a job outside the home. For those of us that are battling with social anxiety and introversion, you can understand this was a giant change for me.

I discovered through work that my anxiety mostly refers to adult interaction. The kids at the elementary school where I work do not worry me, they don't make me think twice about what they say...even the "disrespectful" kids don't phase me.I know to not take it personally when they are defiant. There are often other issues those kids are dealing with that have nothing to do with me. In many ways, I enjoy those kids that present a challenge.

As an obese person, I know that most people treat fat people as invisible. You can look around at your child's game and find skinny parents hanging out together and they make little to no effort to connect with you. That's just one example, but wherever you are, if you are obese, you will be ignored/invisible 90 percent of the time.

Honestly, so far I have lost about 50 lbs. It's a start, but no where near I need to be.

I'm so tired of being invisible. It feels like my kids are also being judged by their mom's weight. I feel like a failure. I am working to lose the weight, but combined with my anxiety, it seems like I and my kids will always be on the outside. We're never in the "in" crowd.  We're never invited to the party.

In many ways, I am happy we're not invited. My initial reaction to any invitation is "no."

At the same time, I want my kids to be included. I want them to have BFFs. I want them to make life-long friends, even though their mom couldn't do it. Their dad did it. His best friend was his best man and still talks to him.. They've been friends since elementary school. Friends are best that stick with you and know your interests. It takes us introverts a lot to try to make a connection with anyone..add social anxiety and we're really screwed. Then add obesity to the picture and it's pretty much clinched that people aren't going to want to hang out with you. It's okay. I get it. Much of the time I don't want to hang out with me either. But I want more for my kids and I'm afraid I'm teaching the wrong example.

So I'm trying to encourage my kids to participate in sports now so they might stay active later. The boy is presenting a problem, in that he doesn't seem to want to participate in anything. I think he'd do well in soccer or cross-country, but he is resistant. Both girls are big into softball, which isn't the most active sport, but it's better than nothing.

It's sad that 50 pounds lost looks like nothing. I have hope that I will become the me I should be though.

Friday, July 29, 2016

K Man is 12

So this kid turned 12 today. I kind of want to crawl under the covers and pretend it didn't happen, but so far he still needs his mom occasionally so I guess I'll be okay.

(I have pictures every year in this shirt, I was just too lazy to find them all.)
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