Open Letter to MN:

Dear Mother Nature,

I can relate to the stress of not having a break from mothering. No matter how much you love your kids you need a break at least once in a while. You get angry, you throw a little mommy fit...then you get it together again.

Here's the skinny. My son has been having nightmares related to tornadoes since January when he (and his big sister) went to the Minnesota History Center. Tornadoes have been the theme of every nightmare...almost every single night. I have been able to ease my son's anxiety by telling him that there hasn't been a tornado in our city in 127 years.


So I don't really appreciate you throwing a tornado at our city on Thursday. Not funny at all. It was, at least, on the opposite end of the city...but a little too close to my parents' house for my taste as well.

I feel terrible for the people affected by this and I hope this means we're good for another 127 years.

Oddly, my son seems to have stopped having these nightmares since you threw that little F1 our way. Though he asks every night now if we're going to have another tornado. Thankfully I've been able to say no. So far.

Can we be good for another 127 years? Please?

One mother to another,
Heather

Open Letter to Service Workers in Rochester

Dear checkers, baggers, waiters, etc.,

Please to not be acting like I am ruining your good time when I patronize the establishment you are being paid to work in. I can guarantee you that I am having less fun than you are because unlike you, I am not being paid to be there. In fact, I am spending money.

It would be especially helpful if you all could break up your little party in the middle of the aisle without me having to say excuse me so I can get around you to continue my shopping.

Finally (and this is a big one for me) when I've paid for my junk and you give me my receipt, I'd appreciate a "thank you" and a smile would be extra lovely. I don't particularly like being handed my receipt and told "here you go." And when I say "thank you" when you hand me my receipt like that (backwards much?) don't just say "yep." The least you could do is realize your mistake and say "thank you" then.

Thank you.

Heather

Open Letter to a Gas Station

Dear gas station closest to my house,

Let me start by saying how much I appreciate your convenient location. If I notice I’m running low on gas I can pull in and fill up and it takes very little time. Since I’m often running late these days, time is of the essence.

I also appreciate that your price per gallon is often a few cents lower than the gas stations located inside the city of Rochester. It’s nice that there is that perk of living out in the sticks, away from many conveniences for several years.

But I want you to know that I’m considering leaving you. There is a gas station at the Fleet Farm that is not much farther out of my way. In fact, it’s often right along my way since it’s across the road from Target (where I like to give all of our money away).

I have, in the past, pulled my car up to the pump, selected pay at the pump, pressed the “no” button for the car wash, then the “yes” button because I would like a receipt.

Yesterday, you didn’t ask me if I wanted a receipt. I didn’t think about it and filled the tank anyway. After I was done, I hung up the nozzle and waited for my receipt.

Your receipt is inside.

Let me just say that I was a little irked by that. I have three kids that I would need to get out of the car and herd across the busy parking lot, dodging requests for Bug Juice and Cheetos.

Making me go inside the store to get my receipt essentially negates the purpose of paying at the pump.

Yesterday, I just wrote the amount on a scrap paper I had in my purse instead of retrieving the receipt. I had a headache already and I didn’t have the time or the patience to get all the kids out of the car so I could get a slip of paper that should have printed outside.
Be warned, next time I need gas I’ll probably be going somewhere else. But when I get over my irritation enough that I’m willing to give you another chance, I expect my transaction to be completed outside, like I said I wanted.

Sincerely,
Heather

Dear Miss M,

Friday, November 9, 2007
9:30 a.m.

Dear Miss M,

As I drove you to school today you began to tear yet another piece of paper from one of the many notebooks I have given you in an attempt to eliminate the 4 million scraps of paper that we have in the car and around our house.

I have asked told you many, many times to not tear the papers from the books. I don't know why this drives me so insane, but it does.

So I yelled at you Stop tearing the paper out of your notebook!

Immediately, your face crumpled. The tears flowed. Your face turned blotchy.

Did I stop? Unfortunately, no. Don't cry about it. You've been told not to do that many times.

What is wrong with me? I have these high expectations for you that are so unfair. Yes, you are older than your brother, but you are still only five years old.

We arrived at your school as you were still trying to get the sobs under control. I stopped in the drop-off lane and told you to have a good day, and that I love you.

You started to get out of the car, then turned back for a hug. You started to get out again and climbed back in to tell me you didn't want to go to school today and to get another hug.

Yes, I know why you didn't want to go to school. You didn't want to leave me feeling bad about me.

I told you things would be okay and that tomorrow you wouldn't have school. We hugged one more time and you got out of the car. You stood with the door open and blew me a forlorn kiss before you closed the car door.

I watched you walk toward the school with your backpack in front of your face.

It made me cry.

I'm so sorry.

I wish I didn't have the power to make you feel so badly. I wish I could control my words better. I wish you had a better mommy.

The whole drive home I thought about how I would feel if something happened to one of us and that was our last interaction. It didn't make for a proud feeling.

I love you.

Mommy


4 p.m
Dear Miss M,

I am happy that our disagreement this morning affected me more than you. When you got in the car with the smile on your face and said "I cheered up at school!" I felt like the sun had returned to my life. Everything was as it should be again.

I love you.

Mommy

Dear Aunt Flo

(I originally posted this on the site Gather in November 2006. Now that it's not an issue I feel like I can post it here. Maybe it will get a laugh or something.)

Dear Aunt Flo,

I’ve really tired of your monthly visits.

Hubby and I have done our best to get rid of you, but here you are, month after month. Sometimes you come when I expect you, but other times you wait and arrive later…and it gets my hopes up that you won’t be coming this month. Yet, you still show up.

Why must you toy with me?

Then there are those seemingly innocent comments from our relatives about when (or if) we’ll add to the family…well, you know it’s much easier to conceive if you don’t have relatives hanging around. Seriously. It’s been more than a year that we’ve been trying to get you to stop visiting, yet you continue to arrive here every month.

I really am tired of giving the coy response “We’ll see!” It feels so false, but, at the same time I hate that people are asking me about such private things. I want to ask…”So, are you having sex tonight too?” “Oh, are you bumping nasties tonight?” “Gonna get it on?” “How are YOUR eggs? Mine might be a little expired!”

I’m tired of explaining to my daughter why I pee in a cup. I’m tired of comparing lines on a plastic strip. Is that line darker than the other? I’m not so sure. Even if it is, no guarantees.

I enjoyed those 22 months without you last time.

Just so we’re clear…I think you’re a real beatch.

Please stop visiting us. We need some alone time.

Hoping for a break from you,
Heather

Open letter to the 3 people in front of me on the on ramp (aka the acceleration lane) on the highway today

Dear morons,

That pedal below your right foot is called an accelerator. In order to merge with highway traffic you really need to put at least a little weight upon the pedal. This causes your car to speed up to highway speed. The highway you were attempting to use has a 60 mph speed limit. In most cases, people using this highway are driving at least 60 mph.

It is most difficult for us motorists accustomed to using the acceleration lane for its intended purpose to be behind someone who cruises down the on-ramp at a steady 40 mph. Please do not look at me that way when I veer around you at the soonest possible opportunity. I would rather not cause an accident when I'm merging into 60+ mph traffic.

While we're talking about highway etiquette, please use the deceleration lane for its intended purpose. I understand in the winter when roads may be icy that you need longer to slow down before you turn, but honestly, summertime in Minnesota...really no need to stop on the highway.

Speaking of turning, what is the deal with you people that veer out to the left before you make a right turn? You're not driving a semi-truck and trailer.

But, I digress, I was writing to you 3 today who were on the on-ramp and approached the highway at 40 mph. Steadily. The length of the ramp.

Just a hint for the future, 90-degree heat does not make a charitable Minnesotan. I spent most of the day in the sticky-hot weather selling my cast-offs and some things that I'd like to keep but know I shouldn't at my garage sale, to the point that I had a heat rash on my chest tonight. Step on the accelerator on the on-ramp. PLEASE. (Maybe there is still the charitable Minnesotan there in the heat.)

I suggest a steady pressure upon the accelerator when you are trying to enter a highway. Let off on the pressure when you reach 60 or so.

It works best that way, I promise you.