How I Make You Feel Better About Your Issues Part One

I spent the weekend on an overnight trip for my oldest's Girl Scout troop. The girls sold so many cookies that they earned a special activity and they decided to spend it by going to a water park in a hotel in a town about an hour away from us. I volunteered to chaperone partly because it would be M's first trip away from home and partly because I'm a control freak and also because I'm a little crazy.

There are several things I didn't take into account when I volunteered for this trip. Honestly most of those things didn't occur to me until shortly before the time came to deal with each particular issue. What issues you ask? Well, my freakishly strange issues of course.

Let me take this opportunity to give those of you who don't like crude talk or humor or somehow picture me as a woman of class (how can you possibly at this point if you've read me at all?) the opportunity to bypass this entry. Really. You don't want to read if you are easily offended or of delicate sensibilities. You're better off not knowing my issues. Even if you could laugh and feel superior.

***pause for the squeamish to leave....don't forget to come back tomorrow! I promise I won't be as crass tomorrow!***


**are they gone?***


**good. Now we can talk about them... Just kidding. Sort of.**

So. We drive over to the city that holds Ye Wonderful Water Park (YWWP) and stop at a very popular fast food restaurant for lunch before heading on to the hotel that holds YWWP. I do not think about the fact that when I eat really greasy food that I am not accustomed to that it makes my stomach hate me. I order a #2. HA HA HA HA HA! I see the irony now. Popular fast food restaurant, you slay me.

All is fine while we drive to the hotel, check in, get changed and head to YWWP. Approximately 10 minutes into swimming I feel a churning in my stomach. This is never good. We have two issues going on here. One, I may have to do a #2 and it may be loud and yucky coming out because my stomach hates me at this point. Number TWO (ha ha ha ha ha!) and really the more important issue here is that I prefer to do my business at home. I go to great lengths to ensure this happens very rarely outside of my home...and even when it has to happen at home it is preferably when my husband is out of the house or sleeping. Yes. Hi! I'm Heather and I'm a Home Pooper. I'll have you know that all of my kids as babies were also Home Poopers. I kid you not, they all held their poops all day until we were home. The minute we were home. Poop. (For the most part. M and K each had their infamous OUT Poops that blew all up their backs and made me consider scrapping the clothes they wore because it was just that bad.)

So I'm in the YWWP and feel that feeling. I head for the bathroom in YWWP. There are two stalls, both being used and 4 girls waiting with their bags to change out of their swim suits. There is nothing to do but head cross-hotel and hope for the best in the empty hotel room. I'll be honest. This is a more ideal situation, provided you can make it the distance. I have strong muscles (?) and can do it. I had the privacy of the hotel room and the time for it to air out before we returned.

Yes. I am very, very sophisticated.

And this is only one of my issues. Tomorrow, the next of my issues while chaperoning Girl Scouts in an overnight trip.