I picked up Miss M from Kindergarten today, as usual. What isn't so usual is that one of the teachers mentioned that there was a note in her backpack about some issues M's been having. Immediately a sense of dread overcame me and I had to park the car so I could retrieve the note.
More not listening. In the classroom and on the playground. She's "this close" to another detention because she can't seem to listen and follow the rules. (Including throwing snow on the playground, apparently not allowed.)
The first quarter of school she did wonderfully. Since November, it's been down hill.
I've sent her to her room to be by herself because I'm angry that she's not listening at school and I want to knock her head off. I've made a critical error by believing her when she's said that she's had few reminders at school. Obviously that isn't the case.
The only thing I can think of that's caused this change in her is the news that the baby is on the way (although she seems very happy about the baby) or just that she's following what her "friends" at school are doing.
I don't know what to do. I'm having trouble coming up with logical, related consequences for this. Any ideas?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
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I think the teachers need to do the bulk of the work here. As long as you're consistently disciplining her for any similar behavior you might see at home, and as long as you have a talk with her reiterating what the expectations are for her at school (and make sure she understands them, as well as the results of ignoring them), then it's up to her teachers to to catch it and intervene when they see it. You can't see what she's doing at school, obviously... But they can.
Good luck!
Some questions come to mind for me - does she do the same thing at home (so she sees consequences at home but not at school)? Does she do the same thing at school regardless of who she's hanging around with (is it her friends)? Are you taking away privileges at home because of it? Is it every day? Does the behavior follow any particular type of meal (my personal favorite)?
SM- Thanks for responding. After I posted I started to wonder that myself, if I should even really be DOING anything extra. It starts to seem like what I get mad at my husband for doing...disciplining after I've already disciplined. Maybe I need to write a note to the teachers asking them what their expectations are from me?
Bikini- She's been listening fairly well at home lately. I know that there is one girl in particular that seems to bring out the beast in M, but I don't see how I could stop her from hanging around with her. This is the first I've heard that she hasn't been listening since her detention a few weeks ago. (I'd been told she'd been improving when I'd asked about it.) They play on the playground after lunch, but I assume the classroom not listening is throughout the day.
Keep in mind that my oldest is only 4 so I don't really know what I'm talking about, but can you arrange for a conference with the teacher where you can discuss ideas for what you can do at home and what you can expect the school to do? When my younger son was about 5 months, my older son's preschool teacher said that she thought OS was having speech problems. We had him tested and it turned out that he was just having a normal regression to having a mobile younger brother. I was surprised by how much I underestimated the impact of a sibling would be. Not that it would have changed the way we handled anything, but it would have made me more sympathetic. Good luck!
It sounds like some kind of medication is needed. I know I don't worry about this stuff when I'm good and medicated.
The baby could be part of it so don't think because she says she is happy or excited that she feels that way all the time.
One of our guys really got out of line in his kindergarten class. The teacher was young and overwhelmed. Another kid got a lot of attention for misbehaving and my guy thought that was cool. He even started talking like him. We would tell him to "get V. out of your head" and the importance of being himself.
You may need to start a sticker sheet for when she successfully listens at school. A whole day gets her a small piece of candy, a whole week gets something bigger and an entire month gets something just dazzling.
And also carve out some time for just the two of you. Don't talk about it, just love her.
Enough advice? :}
My concern is that the school is not communicating this to you sooner. If this si a build up for MONTHS then it should have been addressed sooner no?
Since you have had some health issues with baby and being pregnant, maybe she is scared and feeling overwhelmed? Hang in there. Love her and reassure her that no matter what you love her. A reward system may work to help her back on track. Then it is the positive rather than the negative that is the focus.
Many hugs!
I bet it has nothing to do with the baby, but just some regular ol' testing of limits that all kids do at one time or another. All kids misbehave at one time or another even without changes going on at home.
What about a reward system if the teacher reports a good day? Give her attention for behaving well, instead of negative attention for misbehaving.
Don't sweat this! She's a good kid.
I generally let the school handle the misbehavior that happens there.
I'll talk to Twinkle about it and see if she can tell me what was going on at the time she wasn't paying attention (always her issue).
When she was 5 last year, the teacher did ask me to talk to her about not paying attention in class. I asked Twinkle why she thought she couldn't pay attention. She said that her brain wasn't where it should be. I asked her where her brain was, and she replied, "It's not in the middle. It's over on the right resting and having a sandwich."
After that, whenever I dropped her off I'd tell her to check to make sure her brain was in the middle and not off having a sandwich. That actually helped her.
If M can identify something that makes it hard to listen, maybe you can go from there.
I agree that she is probably just testing her limits. My Princess is in kindergarten as well. She is definitely in that phase and I want to knock her head off some days!
Princess has been well behaved at school, however, she's OUT OF CONTROL at home. Lying. Talking back. Being mean to her brother. We're coming down hard on her about it. It hasn't been fun for us, but each time, she loses something near and dear to her and she's starting to "get it".
Lately, instead of yelling at her when I'm angry, I try sending her to her room to think about her behavior. When I can calmly use my words, I ask her to explain why her behavior was unacceptable and we have a conversation about it. Instead of me constantly nagging her, it gives her a chance to think it through. Then we go over how she might act differently in a similar situation in the future...ie. instead of hitting her brother when she gets mad, she can use her words or walk away. She's a big control freak, so I have to be sneaky to use psychology to make her think she's coming up with a solution herself instead of doing something because "mommy said so".
Good luck :)
I guess I would ask the teacher what they feel I should do as a parent. Would a parent conference (with M?) be helpful?
Sounds like you have a smart and independent thinker on your hands (sounds familiar). Boredom looks like many different things - but if you have a smartie....and she's a girl...chances are this behavior stuff could just be a result of boredom at school. (not an expert - just going from my experience).
I also HATE it when teachers pass the buck...I always replied that I would reinforce at home - but would rely on her/him to take action during the school day (what are you supposed to do? you aren't THERE!).
Someone once told me - these independent qualities - you know the ones that make you want to pull your hair out? these are qualities of a leader - qualities that you'll one day really celebrate...but right now they are challenging....but someday a GREAT thing!!! Hang in there.
Probably repeating here, but...Briar had a couple of bad days at the sitter, I spoke with her when I picked her up yesterday and then as I dropped her off this morning. Apparently she was so excited to be having a good day she begged the sitter for a note to share with me. When we got home I had her hang it on the fridge, when Sean got home we made a big fuss, kept revisiting the glow of her accomplishment.
SOmetimes I think we get too hung up on highlighting the bad, instead of reminding them how sweet doing well feels...
I emailed the teacher yesterday and she sent a note home with M. Basically, she agreed with our plans to not "DO" anything in terms of consequences at home other than to have a discussion about the importance of following rules and listening. I told the teacher that I believe consequences need to be immediate and related to the offense, so "punishing" her at home for something she did at school didn't jive with me. She agreed and said that the discipline policy at school is set up just to let the parents know what's going on at school before it gets "out of hand."
She also said that M's become VERY independent and wants the other kids to follow her and sometimes gets upset that they don't always do what she wants them to.
And she commented that all of the kids are working on learning how to make better choices in regards to their own behavior so M is not unusual in that sense.
Anyway, I feel a bit better after talking with M and with her teacher.
Thanks for all your advice!
Nothing to add here. You've got some pretty smart friends.
However, that throwing snow on the playground stuff has GOT to stop immediately!!! What have the children become?
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