Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Slow and Steady Wins the Race and other random thoughts

About 6 months ago I started a plan to try to lose weight. I was never a candidate for "My 600-lb Life," but I was also not small. I'm still not small, but I have made an improvement in my health. It is slow, but hopefully the slow and steady rate makes for long-term results. I started around Thanksgiving, which in itself is a challenging time to start a diet, but I also started a job outside the home. For those of us that are battling with social anxiety and introversion, you can understand this was a giant change for me.

I discovered through work that my anxiety mostly refers to adult interaction. The kids at the elementary school where I work do not worry me, they don't make me think twice about what they say...even the "disrespectful" kids don't phase me.I know to not take it personally when they are defiant. There are often other issues those kids are dealing with that have nothing to do with me. In many ways, I enjoy those kids that present a challenge.

As an obese person, I know that most people treat fat people as invisible. You can look around at your child's game and find skinny parents hanging out together and they make little to no effort to connect with you. That's just one example, but wherever you are, if you are obese, you will be ignored/invisible 90 percent of the time.

Honestly, so far I have lost about 50 lbs. It's a start, but no where near I need to be.

I'm so tired of being invisible. It feels like my kids are also being judged by their mom's weight. I feel like a failure. I am working to lose the weight, but combined with my anxiety, it seems like I and my kids will always be on the outside. We're never in the "in" crowd.  We're never invited to the party.

In many ways, I am happy we're not invited. My initial reaction to any invitation is "no."

At the same time, I want my kids to be included. I want them to have BFFs. I want them to make life-long friends, even though their mom couldn't do it. Their dad did it. His best friend was his best man and still talks to him.. They've been friends since elementary school. Friends are best that stick with you and know your interests. It takes us introverts a lot to try to make a connection with anyone..add social anxiety and we're really screwed. Then add obesity to the picture and it's pretty much clinched that people aren't going to want to hang out with you. It's okay. I get it. Much of the time I don't want to hang out with me either. But I want more for my kids and I'm afraid I'm teaching the wrong example.

So I'm trying to encourage my kids to participate in sports now so they might stay active later. The boy is presenting a problem, in that he doesn't seem to want to participate in anything. I think he'd do well in soccer or cross-country, but he is resistant. Both girls are big into softball, which isn't the most active sport, but it's better than nothing.

It's sad that 50 pounds lost looks like nothing. I have hope that I will become the me I should be though.

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