I'm A LOT Less Funny and Interesting in Person

People that only "know" me online tell me all the time how funny, sweet, fun, and nice I am but that just goes to show you how things online are often deceiving. I'm not a jerk in real life, I don't think, but I'm also not a great conversationalist. Put me in a group and I'll either say nothing at all or I'll interrupt someone else when they're trying to talk because I can't ever seem to get the conversational cues right to know when I can interject. I've also been told that when I do talk, I usually offer something worthwhile.

It's possible these people that tell me that are just blowing smoke up my arse.

I wish I could go to a party or meet friends for a hot chocolate without a thought. When I get an invitation to go somewhere my immediate reaction is to say no. This is part of my temperament, this knee-jerk reaction to say no to every invite. Once I finally think things through and my answer turns toward yes I have another obstacle to overcome. The closer the time to leave for said event arrives, the more my stomach begins to roll. Outwardly, I look fine. My husband and kids will often not know I am freaking out. I push myself. One. Step. At. A. Time.  Keys in the ignition. Drive to the place. Deep breaths in the car in the parking lot. More deep breaths.

Entering the building creates a new wave of panic. What if no one showed up? What if I'm meeting no one? How stupid would I look to sit down and wait only to find no one arrives?

I push myself through the door and look around, trying to look normal, trying to look confident. I think it must work most of the time because people often comment they have no idea I have issues.

Often I rely on others to make the conversation. Often I sit awkwardly while others around me converse. I keep trying though.

I'm certain 50% of the people I encounter think I am aloof, or a bitch. If they only knew.