Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Invisible

I remember being noticed. I didn't really know it at the time, but as a tall, thin, 20-something I'd say I was very noticeable. I was only slightly aware of my appeal. I knew men bought me drinks, wanted to talk to me and asked me to dance. Women smiled at me and wanted to hang out. I didn't consciously know that I was desirable, not necessarily in a sexual connotation, but in general.

When a woman gains weight she loses the interest of others.

She probably won't lose the interest of the people who are already real friends, but strangers will no longer acknowledge her.

I miss being noticeable. I'm vain, despite my faults. I like approval, compliments, attention.

I went to the library the other day and ran into a woman I have met a few times now. I said "hello!" brightly, inviting a small exchange. She said "hi" airily and continued on her way. Clearly she had no idea that she'd ever met me. Invisible. That's me while I'm fat.

I'm dismissable. Nearly nonexistent.

I want to be visible again. I want to try. Harder this time. Motivated even when I am not. My next excuse will be that the kids will be on break from school in a few weeks. There will always be an excuse. I hope to someday overcome these excuses.

Visible. Again.

12 people like me!:

kelleysbeads said...

It is hard becoming/staying the woman we want to be. For ourselves and others. You can do this.

Heather T said...

I'm reminded recently of this feeling. It's been such a long time since I went through pregnancy and caring for a young child, I forgot how much I have to put my own appearance on the back burner. Just the other day I went out in an oversized t-shirt and shorts and sneakers and I remembered why we women turn to this look -- when you're feeding and changing diapers and all the rest, it's much more practical to just dress down. But it becomes a lifestyle, right?

Hang in there. I'm sure you'll have a day soon that you feel beautiful and know that it is true. And you probably won't see the day or the moment coming, it will just surprise you.

Mayberry said...

Good luck, Heather! I think making that commitment, and being aware of the potential excuses/pitfalls, is a very positive first step.

(I've read a couple of good articles on that topic lately - let me know if you want the links.)

CT Mom said...

Hang in there and good luck! I'm working on getting fit, too.

Remember, though, that you are doing this for yourself. And you will always be visible to those who love you.

Madeline said...

Having a baby is soooo hard on a gal's body. I was 40 pounds overweight when I got pregnant, and then gained the typical 20 more pounds. After Levi got here, although I was totally blissed out, I was also very bummed over that 60 pounds of excess weight...not to mention the floppy skin...argh! Losing all of those pounds has been such a relief. Although, some of that excess skin is still hanging on for dear life. Oh. my. Hang in there! You can do it.

Jessica said...

Heather, I know very much how you feel. I, on the other hand, have been overweight my entire life. I have always been invisible. Moving around a LOT as a child never helped matters. I wish with all of my heart that our society was different--that we valued people's opinions and experiences BEFORE we judged them by how they look. Sadly, I know we will never see such a thing in our lifetime. To that end, I try every day to be happy with who I am, because what else can I do? Some days it works, and some days it doesn't, but I haven't given up hope (yet). Thanks for sharing your feelings here--it makes me feel better to know I am not alone.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

It hurts me to hear you call yourself fat. You are so much more than that. But I know what you mean about wanting to be visible. And memorable, even to a person in the library. I used to be more visible too -- I figured it's just me getting old! :)

I agree with a couple of the commenters, having children really takes a toll on a mama's body. I'm heavier than when I got married. (But so is my husband.)

Here's to being visible....

Hugs....

Gunfighter said...

Until two yeas ago, I was the tall (ish) well-built way cool law-enforcement type. Then I hurt my knee. My surgery was two years ago on Thursday. I still ate like a guy that worked out 5 or six days a week.

I'll bet that youcan guess the result. The fact that I am 45 isn't helping.

YOu like my hair? Well, I'm glad about that, but I am still getting it cut this afternoon!

for a different kind of girl said...

Pure and simple, I hear you in this post. I understand. I've been on each end of the visible/invisible scale you speak of, so I understand, and I know how it can hurt. Do things for yourself as you're working for your goal. And do things to make you healthier for yourself. The people who love you see you. You can do this!

Kara said...

From the above, lots of support! It's hard to change your lifestyle and it's easy to be your own worst critic. You are a great person, mama, friend. Give yourself some positive affirmations!

chelle said...

I am so feeling this with you. I need to get into the mindset of determination. It is so hard! Once I am there and in a routine I know I can do it.

Go for it you can lose it and you will feel great!

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

*hugs*

 
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