Monday, May 18, 2009

Sometimes Things Work Out Okay Even Though We Think They Won't

One year ago this Friday I realized a dream that I'd held very close to my heart for at least 3 years prior.


Shortly after K was born I started to realize I didn't think he was my last baby. I felt as though there was still someone missing in our family. It's a strange feeling and definitely an unexpected one. Craig and I had talked before we got married and agreed we would have two children. It was settled, or so we both thought.


When K was born, as far as Craig was concerned, our family was complete. He wanted to make an appointment with the V doctor and I asked him to put it off. When K was about a year old, Craig and I had a talk. That talk resulted in our agreement that we would try for one more child.


I thought it was settled and I'd have my third child about 2 years after I had my second, just like the spacing of M and K. But things didn't quite work out that way.


Month after month I would hold out hope...I can relate to this post in many, many ways. Every time a friend or acquaintance would announce her pregnancy I would smile through gritted teeth. I was happy for them, but insanely jealous and always feeling guilty that I wanted this third perfect baby. Who was I to feel badly when I already had two beautiful, precious, healthy children? What was wrong with me that I was so depressed and bitter every month?


And let me tell you, Mother Nature really is a beatch because many times when women are under stress this messes with their cycles and sometimes delays ovulation, and therefore, her period. Those months that my cycle was longer than usual? Torture. In my younger days my cycles were 28 days, no more no less, every month. At the height of my baby-lust crazed, stressed, depressed days? My cycle sometimes stretched to 35 days, once even to 40 days. Those months I spent a fortune on pregnancy tests, hoping as I peed on one more stick that it would develop two lines this day, even though the previous five or seven or twelve days had been negative.


My weight ballooned. My period would start and I'd eat and drink and suffer through my own little pity party every month.


So because I was embarrassed at this want (arguably this need) for another baby when I was already clearly blessed I told no one of our struggles, of our plans, our hopes. When someone would ask me if we were done with having kids I'd smile coyly and say "we'll see!" or "it's not up to me!" When someone would comment about how I should have another child I'd cringe inside and just nod.


I'd fantasize about peeing on the stick and seeing two lines. I'd daydream about how I'd tell each person about the secret I carried with me upon getting the positive result.


Secondary (or tertiary) infertility is such that I think the women who are suffering through it may feel ashamed or seem incredibly ungrateful for the child (or children) they already have that they must not speak about their pain. I know I did.


So the day that I peed on the stick and saw two lines? I cried. Then I went and bought more tests. And peed on them. And cried some more.


And now I have this third beautiful and perfect child to add to my two already beautiful and perfect children (who occasionally drive me insane) who is about to turn one year old. Already.



I think the years get better as they go.

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Life As I Know It said...

Congratulations on your beautiful family, and an early happy birthday to your baby!

Funny how our bodies work, huh? I get it. I totally get this post.

Anonymous said...

a good present!! Amma

ewe are here said...

I understand wanting that third one out of the blue, too ...having two was our original thought as well... I'm glad it worked out so beautifully for you.

Fingers crossed, our third (and I know this is our last one) one will arrive safe and sound next month.

Kate said...

Yeah time flies doesn't it? It's amazing how quickly they all of the sudden turn one. Before ya know it she'll be starting kindergarten!!

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

I can tell that I need to curl up with the computer and spend some time reading the archives, because WOW.

First of all, thank you so much for even mentioning secondary or tertiary or PLUS infertility because it never even occurred to me before that it could be such an emotional experience. I feel stupid for being so naive, but thanks for smacking me upside the head with it =)

And second of all, I am so glad that you and your husband were finally blessed with your third wonderful child. Happy birthday to the both of you!

CT Mom said...

Great post! If we hadn't married and started so late, I think we would have had three, also.

Happy happy birthday to your beautiful baby girl!

Damselfly said...

That is such a beautiful story! That feeling of looking around and realizing your family isn't complete yet. The trying and fruitless months passing. The crying and peeing. All amazing. I'm happy for you.

for a different kind of girl said...

At this moment in my life, my heart aches for another baby. I know how lucky I am to have two really happy, healthy children, but it just feels like there's this empty space in my heart for another child. Right now, we're in the thought/discussion phase, but when I have friends bring it up (and they do, because they see and sense this internal struggle I'm having), it makes me cry. So...yeah...

Anyway...

What a beautiful gift you received to add to your family! The years, truly, do get better.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

For me, it was so, so difficult to get pregnant with the first. But ... once I did, I found myself with baby #2 just 16 months later. Our third ... well, my husband says he is "the best mistake we ever made." : )

louann said...

Truly a blessing! Beautiful story =)

chelle said...

Life is like a fine wine ... getting better and better eh?

 
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