Anxiety, Business and Friends Edition

It's never comfortable. I've known most of my friends for at least 8 years now and yet meeting them anywhere for anything still makes my stomach do flip-flops. I force myself to go, knowing that it will be mostly okay once I get there. If there are several people at the gathering, I'm proud of myself for speaking up even a few times.

Anxiety is pretty sucky. I'm not sure what it is that my brain thinks will happen when I get together with friends, but I suppose it's my imagination running without reason. I think they'll be thinking how fat I've gotten. (And I don't blame them, I think it's terrible and I've lost control of my body.) I think they'll look at the pimples on my face and cringe in disgust. I think they'll be bored with my anecdotes.

I'm better on paper, as they say.

The very thought of meeting someone new is nerve-wracking, which is somewhat counter-intuitive to running a photography business.

The anticipation of the session is exciting. Then the hour before the session is scheduled to start my stomach clenches and my hands shake. This continues until the first 10 minutes of the session are complete. After those initial minutes the confidence breaks through. I know what I'm doing and I know I do it well. The clients are looking to me for guidance. I'm the expert.

It's been similar with every new job I started. At the beginning, when I didn't know the ropes, I was quiet and nervous. As time passed and I learned my jobs better I was confident and vocal. Each photography session is like a new job, accelerated. Months are passed in minutes.

I hate how my hands tremble at the beginning of a session. I hate how my voice trembles like my hands. I hate how insecure and uncertain I appear at the start of the session.

By the end of the (approximately) hour-long session I feel in-control. I wish I felt like that at the beginning of the session.