I'm here. I am still here. I'm busy. It's the annual busy stress that the impending holidays brings.
I've been sleepwalking again. It happens when I get really stressed. I stay up way too late at night trying to frantically work on projects that I should have worked on months before but put off because I thought I had plenty of time. Then next thing I know it's October and zip into November. I take the Christmas photos and order the Christmas cards. It seems like I'm really on top of things but I'm not. It's one thing out of 3792 on my list. Crossing one thing off doesn't make a dent in the list.
How much of my stress is self-imposed? Well, if I think about it 98 % of the stress is probably my own expectations. I hate to let myself down. I'm a real bitch to let down.
I should probably let up on myself, but I won't. I'm never doing enough. If you've seen my house you know I speak the truth. And my husband does most of the cleaning besides working a bajillion hours a week.
At the same time, we have a toddler. Toddlers are awesome and sweet and challenging and make a HUGE mess in moments. When M was a toddler I made a huge deal out of it every time she spilled a bowl of cereal (on purpose, to see what would happen) because I had few other things to focus on and was probably a bit of an idiot. When D does this, I ignore it mostly. Then I clean it up after a bit. It is tiring to clean up 372 pieces of cereal all over the floor but I think to myself "is this worth the battle?" and it's really not. So I choose my battles. Most of the battles the toddler wants to start are not worth my energy.
It doesn't matter in the long run if I or the toddler clean up the 372 pieces. If I just make the clean up matter-of-factly she often contributes to the clean up.
I'm stressed and sleep-walking. I'm picking my battles.