I’ve read a few bloggers recently deciding to either give up their blogs completely or decide to stop posting photos of their children. It makes me wonder if I am doing my children a disservice by posting photos and writing about them.
On the one hand I know that readers like to see photos of the kids. I do, when I read a blogger’s words about their children. I like to see the kids that I am forming this (albeit small) connection to. The truth is, I do feel a connection to these people in my computer. They have children who are almost as adorable as mine. (those that I have seen anyway…really cute…honestly they are cute…but have you seen MY children?)
On the other hand I think I am too trusting. How do I know what I read is the truth? Of course I don’t. But in most cases I think there is no reason most people would make things up. Right?
I got into a debate with a fellow Twitterer a few months back about the recklessness (or lack of it) of a parent posting his/her child’s photo online. This person posted a tweet that I took issue with because it was mostly a scare tactic. We debated through several direct messages then agreed to disagree.
I don’t care to get into which stance we each took or what we were even debating about. This sentence, I realize, seems dumb in the context of this post, but I don’t wish to break out in a heated debate. At least I don’t think I do. I AM curious, however, if you haven’t already made your opinion known what you think the boundaries should be regarding our children and the Internet.
In the eyes of some I know I have already crossed the acceptable line. My oldest child is almost 7 years old. Perhaps I have already violated her privacy as a young person and not simply a child. (Not that a child is in any way SIMPLE.)
I am trying to reconcile my stories, my need to write, to share, my need for feedback (adoration! LOVE!) with my family’s privacy. I did always plan, eventually, to delete my blog at some point. I hope to make a paper copy for myself and my family-- then delete the public version. But perhaps I’ve already crossed some line. That’s not to say that I think I’ve written anything particularly damaging or unusual about my children…I don’t think I have at all…but I try to keep the stories I share here mostly my own. I ask my husband before I post most things about him.
Maybe that is the difference. I do not ask my children their permission to post about their lives. Even if I did, they would not understand what they are declining or consenting to.
This matter is in my mind. I do think about it often, yet I continue as I have been. What do you do? What would you do? Am I hurting my family here?
Monday, May 4, 2009
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I was just thinking about this yesterday. It was the idea of how much anyone puts out of themselves on their personal blog. In a way, a lot of very successful blogs boil down to putting your life on a stage for everyone to see.
Back to the question about kids and how much to put up of them. You know that I'm really careful about my daughter because she was 13 when I started blogging and I was writing A LOT about very personal stuff to me as it related to her. I didn't want there to be any chance someone we knew could pin it down and relate it to her. Now she has her own blog and she knows that I probably have one too. My thought now is that I would only put up identifiable info if she read the blog first and then gave me permission for each thing.
I guess what you're asking is, when does a child have the right to their own privacy? Kind of a variation on how long the psychological umbilical cord can be intact. I think it depends not only on the age of the child and your own personal values of privacy, but also on what kind of info is being shared.
I love looking a your photos of your kids, though!
I feel that posting pictures - modest ones! - of babies and toddlers is fine, because they're pretty generic. It's very hard to recognize one baby from another out in the big world.
But I don't post pictures of my older kids. They do deserve to have their privacy and there are safety concerns that I worry about.
I don't think this is a good mother/bad mother sort of thing. You know how visited your blog is, you know why you're blogging and maybe pictures are an important part of that.
I've never really given this much thought, honestly. And the reason is this: there are evil people out there (which is why people are afraid/tentative about posting pics of their kids)...do I like the idea of some nasty person thinking nasty thoughts about my kids? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But will me not posting pics of my kids change that person? Nope, they'll find someone else. In this case, ignorance is bliss.
I like my kids, think they are adorable, and want to share them with the world. And honestly, I don't think they mind - in fact, I know they think it's pretty cool. But if they ever ask me to take their photos down, I will (probably).
As far as the stories I post - well, it's MY blog, for me. I'm not posting their lives moment by moment, I'm posting mine, which they are a huge part of. And what I post is a mere fraction of our lives, so I don't think the privacy issue is an issue. If they want me to censor my blog, then they should quit doing blog-worthy things!! :)
My kids are 5 and 3. If they get older and don't like my blog, then I'll suggest they get their own and write what they want. My opinion is that I'm their mom and right now, they don't get privacy. I'm the mom - I choose. And I choose to post pictures and blog about them.
I hope that made sense!!
Oh, here's another thought (sorry) I wasn't raised with the idea that privacy was a birthright. Like trust, it has to be earned, and little kids may need alone time, but really, they don't need privacy. I think sometimes parents give kids too much power over their own parenting. My kids are mine and until they reach the age of adulthood, I make their major decisions with their input. I would never hurt my children, emotionally or physically, but I will be their mother and sometimes that means making decisions they may not like.
For me, it's not just (or even primarily) the pictures that are the issue. My words are often more private than the snaps I put up. I have decided to handle my uneasiness with the private/public debate by taking down pieces of my archive after all the regulars have had a chance to read/see.
I'm not worried about strangers, though, as much as I am worried about my daughter one day resenting the legacy of her life that I have left lying around on the internet.
I know one of these days I will have to stop posting pictures of the older one ... give her privacy. I am not worried about safety nor have I ever had any issues in the five years I have been blogging. I have traveled to heavily populated areas and low populated areas and not once worried.
It is your blog and you have to decide what you are comfortable doing. Everyone has their own level they have to respect. While I do not post naked pictures of my kids, I do post a lot of pictures as well as use flickr regularly. I am cozy with that.
For now I am comfortable posting pictures of my kids. They are cute, they are still fairly young, and I don't get very much traffic to my blog. Mainly I have tried to ensure that if anyone were to google my children's names, my blog would not come up.
I don't post as many pictures of my kids as I used to... but I do post pictures of them.
I don't share their names, though, or where we live... I try to keep it anonymous.
I don't post pictures of other people unless I have their permission.
That's what I do.
In the nearly three years I've been blogging, I have only posted 2 photos of my children, and that has been some time ago. I don't include their names when I mention them in a post or write about them specifically, much the same way I don't have my own photo or name on my blog. I'm not specifically trying to hide who I am, but I guess you could say I am in regard to my kids. I imagine if they ever learned of my blog, read it, and came to me and asked me not to write about them anymore, I would respect that. With that in mind, though, I don't think I've necessarily written much about or inspired by them that I think is too out of hand or embarrassing.
Honestly, I don't think from what I have read and seen in your blog, that you are hurting yoru family with what you are doing, but the choice has to be yours when and if you choose not to have them be part of your writing.
I think it is hard to escape having them seep in a bit, though, and I say that from my perspective, too, because our life with them inspires or fuels some of the writing we do. Writers write what they know, and right now, we know kids.
I'm seriously babbling and not sure if I'm adding anything cohesive to the discussion...
I'm probably not the girl to ask about this since I've posted bathtub pics of my little guy. But, no I don't think you're hurting your family or being a bad mom!
I started my blog, so that family and friends who are spread all over the world could still keep up with me and Levi. I've been amazed though at how much more blogging has become to me. The connections I've made with other mothers have been very valuable. In many ways, I think blogging has helped me to become a better mother.
In the end, we have to each go with what's in our own hearts, but mine tells me there's nothing wrong with blogging about your family as long as you're not writing mean and vindictive things (and you are certainly not). I wouldn't let it worry me too much.
You got me thinking here.
When I started blogging, I needed an outlet. I was very honest (and still am) with everything I wrote. Eventually, I started focusing my blog on my kids, the family, mothering, etc.
I agree with Beck. Maybe when my kids get a little older, I will have to stop posting pictures of them and stop writing about everything about them. But while they are still kids, I feel it's OK to still do so. I do so because I am proud of them and want to show my "friends" and relatives how big they have grown and to keep them posted as they continue to grow.
And yes Hetaher, I totally agree with you. I too have developed a certain connection to the people and the families of the people I have "met" through blogging. I feel sad when people I have come to 'love' decide to go private or delete their blogs altogether.
This is an interesting debate, and one I've wondered about too. I don't have any answers. But I don't use my child's real name, don't post any incriminating photos (hee hee!) or name the photo file something related to him so it would be searchable by a p*doph*le. I do love seeing pictures of your kids -- they truly are cute! But you have to do what's best for your family, whatever you decide that is.
Tough questions. I haven't worried about this much - I think it's because my kids are so little right now and it feels like my story that I'm telling. I feel that the positive side of having some record and stories of their early childhood will outweigh any embarrassment. But...somewhere in my mind, I guess I think I won't be blogging when they are older. If I am, I'll definitely become more private about their stories.
I do post pictures and I have used real names. I'm not sure how I feel about our safety - I usually think, most danger comes from people who are close, who see you every day, but occasionally, I really worry.
Honestly?
Are you telling the internet anything you wouldn't tell your family? friends? strangers in the grocery store? your children's future dates?
I am not a parent, but I have heard various positions on the photo thing (one woman on Flickr found her kid's picture favorited by a random guy whose favorites were nothing but young kids...And while you certainly don't want to subject your kids to that, there is a certain risk inherent in putting things out there, you know?
I post things about my husband without his permission--unless he has asked me not to, or I know it's a sensitive topic. I also have various haunts for various things. More public, more personal, etc.
I think parent bloggers are doing a great service. They support other parents, prep those of us looking towards that next step, and provide a record of all those small details of life that would otherwise be eroded by time.
Personally? I post photos, but only psuedonyms. I don't post an address more specific than my city. I don't tell people where I work or where my husband works unless I know them. I think that once we have kids I will continue to do the same.
I know that you can lock things down, but all of our family and most of our friends are 2300 miles away and not all of them have the various accounts I do. So by locking the information, I lock them out.
Oh, and I don't ask the cats. They are photographed and discussed to my heart's content. ; )
I remember having this discussion with a group of blogger friends at a meet-up, and it came down to comfort level - how comfortable the blogger and their family felt about their pictures and lives being posted on the blog. For privacy reasons, I don't use my real name or my family's names on the blog, but there is a video and story of me from the local paper that I posted which pretty much blew my anonymity. I've only posted a few older pictures of the kids to protect their privacy. My 11 yr old would rather I not post about her life, so I let her read the post before I publish it. My husband also reads my blog, and I've taken down posts if he felt uncomfortable. I love blogging but I understand the boundaries, so I try to respect their privacy. Of course, the dogs are a different story - tons about them, including their real names :-)
I'm one of those who has posted about feeling the need to start removing pictures of my now 4 year old from here on out. It's a decision that makes me really sad, because I know how much people enjoy seeing him as well as reading about him. But he's also starting school next year and he's already taking an interest in computers --as our his friends-- and I don't want to embarrass him or upset him should my blog be stumbled across by classmates.
I've made it hard to 'find' my blog, yes. But it's still possible... so I'm stll probably going to post pics, but I'll start removing them sooner rather than later, too.
It's a tough call, I think, and everyone has to find their own balance.
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