These moments of motherhood are at once as frustrating as they seem interminable and heartbreaking as they seem fleeting. I find myself wishing the baby to sleep some nights, essentially wishing away time with this precious girl who is my last baby. I feel guilty then when I realize what I’ve done. I’ve squandered minutes of savoring her very babyhood that will be over all too soon.
It happens with all of my children really. The hard times when the kids are tired or cooped up or just in sour moods…I long for the day to end so they might go to sleep and just stop sassing, or arguing or whining. Then, as they slumber I steal into their rooms and watch their chests rise and fall, their lips full and slack, their noses softly snoring. At these moments I wish for the day back to do over all the things that I failed at doing.
I wonder why I cannot seem to see with this clarity in the daylight hours. I hear other mothers talk of the fun activities they do with their children and I fear that I am just a lazy mother. It is hard to look at those words on the screen and realize how true they are.
The days that I do plan out fun activities with the kids are often derailed due to the kids’ attitudes or noncompliance with simple instructions. At the end of those days I can often look back and wonder if it was them or me that had the major issues. I know that I often have high expectations for Miss M. As birth order would have it she gets the job of example and perhaps unattainable expectations. K often does things at a later age than M did, so I find myself frustrated with him for not learning things as quickly. Then the baby has been doing things sooner than either of the other two did and I find I am upset about that.
There is simply no pleasing me.
Perhaps I need to revise my Sunday postings to celebrate the wonderful things about my children. As the winter wears on and we are tired of being cooped up in the house I focus more on all the things that my kids are not doing instead of praising the things they are doing, and doing well.
I do believe that life is mostly what we make of it, and that moods breed moods. So I know that if I am negative and/or hard on the kids, the mood of the house will be negative. It really is no way to live. And most of the time when the kids are acting up they just really are asking for more attention, so if they have to be naughty to get it, they will. It is hard to keep up with the needs of three children but really it is worth it. My life would not be as rich if I did not have these beings; these children who at once sap my energy yet give my life such riches; to care for and to love.
I am dumbfounded to realize how ungrateful I often am to have these gifts in my life. Yet I also spend a lot of time trying to find new ways to connect myself and my kids and my family. I never know if I’m doing enough.
How do you connect with your family? Do you find the negative overpowers the positive when it should be the opposite?
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Aweigh post below!
Monday, February 23, 2009
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I know exactly what you mean. I have so much to be grateful for yet even when my husband and I are having one of our wonderful days I still get cranky that he can walk a glass to the sink passing by the dishwasher altogether...boggles my mind...silly I know. Or I get cranky that he is putting his feet on me on the couch, stretching out all over it and on top of me...wait...anyway, I do know what you are getting at, and it is hard to see the good sometimes in the light of day. But knowing this is part of the key to seeing it I guess.
This winter has been very hard on us. The weather has been harsh and so have I.
Granted the last month I am giving myself a pass, pneumonia is a very good reason not to be the mother I want to be.
Give yourself some time to heal, feel strong and then try not to expect too much from an activity or day. I find if I expect less and achieve more I am much more positive about the moment.
Being grateful in the moment is hard. Give yourself a pass, then try again :)
I am right where you are now. I have been slacking on the fun stuff with kids ever since we moved. I feel bad that we don't visit other kids as much as we used to and that we really have not done any crafty projects together at all. It does not help that both are in a defiance stage which makes doing anything hard.
Oh sweetie. I think we all feel this way! Simultaneously wishing for the moments to pass, yet wanting them to remain forever.
I'm finally getting to read this post because my kids just went upstairs to go to bed, a time of day I've been waiting for since I listened to my youngest one growl at me this morning when I went into his room to wake him for the day! Then I went to work and listened to a lot of kids screaming and/or being catered to in their tantrums, and thinking about how exhausted I am. I think sometimes this exhaustion and this 'every day is the same day' feeling that often washes over me these days robs me of the time I should take to put a pause on these moments. Then there are times I have my kids circled on my lap (sometimes forcing them to stay there- ha!) and just trying to take those in while I can.
Despite not having kids yet, I absolutely agree that a positive attitude makes all the difference. After a surgery in December I bounced back just happy to be up and *moving* and I've tried to maintain that attitude. It's amazing how much more happy the house is. Less stupid bickering and more laughing. I like it. : )
I'm in awe of this post! I feel like this some days ... with *one child.* And you have three (four, if you count yourself or five for your husband) personalities in the mix. Just today I was so annoyed my son wouldn't nap that I kind of ignored him and just did some laundry. That of course caused him to act up, just as you said, in order to get attention from me. I try to keep things positive and give him a lot of good reinforcement, but some days I just don't have the energy or creativity to do those fun activities you're talking about. Being a mom is hard work, and we're not robots. I am with you on this...you're not alone.
I just want to hug you and tell you not to be so hard on yourself, but at the same time I do this to myself all the time. Every moment that I fail to appreciate to it's fullest, every time I lack patience, every restless thought...they all resonate in my head at the end of the day. So often I have to remind myself that I can't be everything to everyone and that's the way that God intended it. Since he's wiser than me, I just try to trust it and go with it. Some weeks that's easier than others. I hope your day got better!
I could have easily written the first part of this post...I watch my dd walk to the corner everymorning...and my fills with love and admiration for that little girl...and I wonder why I can't hold on to that feeling when she gets home..but then again she's usually pissed (I can't figure out why) and when I ask about school or homework or how her day was..I get dirty looks and yells...Ugh...
Thanks for keeping it real!
oooh mama I'm totally having one of those days today. I rolled over this morning only to bend one of my fingernails backwards. Then I went to the bathroom and stepped in pee while wearing socks. Apparently DS didn't feel like "aiming" this morning. That started the morning out just great, my son ended up being Mister Crabby Opposite boy this morning and it was just a blast. I was more than ready to drop him off at school and feel horrible for even thinking that. I know you aren't happy that you feel this way sometimes, but it makes me feel good to know that I'm not alone.
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