Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Factor of Fear

The first time I peed on a stick that developed two lines was in 2001. We were actively trying to get pregnant, but I was naïve about what pregnancy would be like.

Those two lines were, at once, joyful and terrifying. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a teenager to see those two lines, who does not want a baby, who is hoping that it’s a false alarm. I was no Spring chicken and I was worried about what would come.

Craig and I were excited to share our news. To me, my pregnancy felt like a sweet secret. Those early days when I was not yet experiencing morning sickness nor any other pregnancy symptom made the pregnancy seem like a fantasy. I was like a kid, pretending I was pregnant for a game.

We told our parents, my brother and his wife, my aunts and uncle. I told my boss.

I was hesitant to tell more people. Actually, I’d been slightly hesitant to tell anyone at first, even though I was excited to share the news at the same time.

No more than two days after we told all those people of our news, I started to bleed. I called the nurse line and tried to tell the woman on the other end the quantity of blood through my choking tears.

Are you soaking a pad an hour?

(No.)

Are you cramping?

(No.)

I can tell that you’re very upset.

(You think?)

Until I saw that blood, I’d had no idea how much I wanted that being that was supposedly growing inside me.

No one tells you about that fear. That fear of miscarriage or still birth that doesn’t go away until your child is born, alive and screaming and placed in your arms.

I was told that my bleeding was implantation bleeding. It was something I had never heard of, and after, I read up on it and thought that my bleeding didn’t jive with when the books said implantation took place.

It wasn’t until my first OB appointment at 10 weeks, when I saw my baby’s heart beating that I really believed that I was still pregnant. But then I had seen my child, the Bean, and the fear that I could lose that child remained, although slightly lessened, until her birth.

That fear was there with each known pregnancy, yet I am one of the lucky women who have never experienced a loss of a known pregnancy. (I qualify that with the “known” because it took Craig and I two years to conceive Ms. D and during that time I read a lot about fertility and the high incidence of miscarriage that occurs when women do not know they are pregnant.)

That worry; that fear of something happening to my child that started more than 6 years ago will now never go away. While I no longer will need to worry about losing a child during pregnancy, I now have three beings out in this world holding my heart in their hands.

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Life As I Know It said...

When I was pregnant with my first, and worried about the pregnancy, my mom told me that the worry would never stop, even after he was born. She was right. The fear and worry is still with me every day as I try to protect and teach these kids of mine.

Domestic Accident said...

The worrying truly does begin at conception and never stops.

angi said...

So very true, I remember being so scared too! Being a Momma changes you in SO many ways...

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I've never lost either, but have that fear each time. This time has been hardest because it's my fourth pregnancy and it seems everyone around me was losing their babies. I just didn't want to be next. Each day that I can feel her kicking around there inside soothes my mind!

Steph

chelle said...

I lost a baby between my babies .... I never stopped being scared when I was pregnant with Ethan ... The loss was so overwhelming. I cannot imagine a still birth. I met a lady that had a still birth and she is seriously damaged.

Beck said...

Oh, I know, I KNOW. When I think about having another child, I instantly think of having that fear again, a FOURTH person ot worry about and I just shudder.

 
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