For my son

Dear K,

When the doctor announced, seconds after pulling you from my belly, “it’s a big boy!” I immediately wondered how I would know how to take care of you. After all, I only have experience with girls. I’m a girl; your big sister is a girl. Girl parts I know. Boy parts, not so much.

Then I held you in my arms and I was stuck by your sweetness. Immediately, you seemed to need me more than your sister had, and that made me fall in love, madly, deeply. I was going to raise this little boy and somehow build him into a man, but at first, I would savor the quiet moments we shared together.

You are my contradiction of terms, at once cautious and adventurous, cuddling and pulling away, helpful yet defiant. You’re testing the limits to everything, be it your own limitations or your mother’s patience.
You have a song in your heart and a smile on your face.

You chatter incessantly these days and some days it makes me wish for a mute button for you. As soon as I think that, I know that if you did stop talking so much tomorrow, I would miss your happy monologue.

You’ve looked up to your big sister from day one, but learned to stand up to her too.

I worried about putting you in the role of the “middle child.” I worried that you would get lost. I was happy that this baby would be your little sister. You would remain my only son. The protector of his sisters, though they most likely could take care of themselves (at least your big sister can).

I see you as a boy who feels deeply, loves many. You are not afraid to share your love with those you deem worthy. Kisses are not yet yucky. Hugs are made for giving away.

I dream that you will grow into a strong man, not just in brawn, but also in heart. I dream that your heart will remain the pure vessel that it is today, though I know it is unlikely. I dream that life will not harden you too much.

Soon you will be a big brother, and it is a role that I’m certain you will relish. Even when you were very young, you had a soft spot for babies. Today, you still point out babies wherever we go. In the waiting room at the doctor’s office, you will find a younger child to talk to, and try to teach him a little something in the short time you have. It seems you have been looking for someone to pass your knowledge to. This baby will likely be a rapt audience for your antics. I will not need to worry about entertaining this child as long as I have you around.

Even as I realize that you will love to be the one who knows more, can do more, I will miss that you will no longer be my littlest baby. As soon as your little sister is born, she will take over that role as the baby of the family. But make no mistake; you will forever be MY baby boy.