Dear Aunt Flo

(I originally posted this on the site Gather in November 2006. Now that it's not an issue I feel like I can post it here. Maybe it will get a laugh or something.)

Dear Aunt Flo,

I’ve really tired of your monthly visits.

Hubby and I have done our best to get rid of you, but here you are, month after month. Sometimes you come when I expect you, but other times you wait and arrive later…and it gets my hopes up that you won’t be coming this month. Yet, you still show up.

Why must you toy with me?

Then there are those seemingly innocent comments from our relatives about when (or if) we’ll add to the family…well, you know it’s much easier to conceive if you don’t have relatives hanging around. Seriously. It’s been more than a year that we’ve been trying to get you to stop visiting, yet you continue to arrive here every month.

I really am tired of giving the coy response “We’ll see!” It feels so false, but, at the same time I hate that people are asking me about such private things. I want to ask…”So, are you having sex tonight too?” “Oh, are you bumping nasties tonight?” “Gonna get it on?” “How are YOUR eggs? Mine might be a little expired!”

I’m tired of explaining to my daughter why I pee in a cup. I’m tired of comparing lines on a plastic strip. Is that line darker than the other? I’m not so sure. Even if it is, no guarantees.

I enjoyed those 22 months without you last time.

Just so we’re clear…I think you’re a real beatch.

Please stop visiting us. We need some alone time.

Hoping for a break from you,
Heather