And The Boy Struggles On

My son is a remarkable person. I'd guess that most people who meet him will remember him for a long time. My evidence of this is when we visited Amish country one year later and one of the Amish ladies asked us if we'd been there before. We said yes but there was no spark to her memory until K Man came around the corner and started chatting with her. "Oh yes!" she said, recognition breaking through. "I remember him!" He makes an impression.

When we finally had him tested for ADHD and learning disabilities, it was a hard decision to make. I worried that he would be diagnosed with ADHD and we'd have to put him on medication. I worried he'd be a different kid. It turned out that he was "borderline" ADHD which led us to test him for learning disabilities.

Short story, for those who haven't read about it, is that he has "a disorder of written expression" which is a round-about way of saying he has dyslexia. (Or a more specific way of describing the area of his particular disability.)

We met with the principal of his school who then met with K's teacher and other staff to make a plan for him. The plan was implemented last quarter. Or at least we thought it was.

My son's self-esteem has dropped. Kids at school are teasing him because he "won't get enough points to pass" second grade. His teacher told me she didn't have time to do some of the things in the plan. He started refusing to do even math problems that he knows how to do (saying he didn't know how to do them). That was a big signal to me that he is feeling badly.

I take some of the blame in that I didn't speak up immediately. So now we've lost an entire quarter of my son's academics staying at a flat line once again instead of moving forward.

I spoke with the principal again and he spoke with my son's teacher (who, I'm told, was crying and the kids thought she was being fired. ::guilt::) and the plan is supposedly going to be followed now. MY plan includes checking on the plan at least once a week.

I can admit that my social anxiety gets in the way sometimes, but I will definitely advocate for my kids. I also need to do more reading about how to help teach my son. What have other parents of kids who struggle with dyslexia done?

First Day of School 2011

The Beginning and the End

Amazing.

School Haiku

It is the last day
I have a Kindergartner
and second-grader.

If these kids don't stop
growing up so darned all fast
I may have to cry.

Glimpses

She turns and rolls her eyes at me. I've said something embarrassingly absurd again. Lame or whatever the term kids use today to let us parents know we are terribly OLD. She shakes her head, purses her lips but can't quite hide the smile.

She still thinks I'm a little bit funny even though I'm a dork. I see her at 8, in just a few short months, enthusiastic about ditching a booster seat, tasting the seeds of tweendom. I see her at 11, 13, 16, 18...leaving me to be on her own.

I see her continued joy in living, her interest in those around her, her enormous heart.

And in the next moment I catch a glimpse of the toddler who not-so-long ago gave me a dandelion with a smile.

Just a Little Tip, Take a Little Tip From Me

So, let's just say hypothetically that you have a girl in second grade who is extremely social. Perhaps so social that the teacher has explained that she has several girls in her class who have very strong, confident personalities and it may or may not be stressing said teacher out. [pointed look that ensures you know your child is one of those girls]

These girls that your daughter hangs out with at school have distinct and increasingly teenage-esque behaviors that maybe are starting to alarm you a bit on occasion, though most of the time they are harmless things...just little girls experimenting with being bigger girls.

But let me tell you. Just a small tip. If your daughter has long hair and asks to wear her hair down instead of in the customary braids or "twisties" she usually wears because her and her friends want to play "beauty shop" at recess, decline the request. Really. Just. Say. No.

Because if you're stupid like me you let your child wear her hair down to school for such purpose, you might just end up spending 45 minutes of your life trying to get a tangled hair band out from several knots of hair and brushing 2682 snarls out of her hair.

Just. Say. No.

Hate Not, Hate Yes?

I try to not hate. I don’t hate people, for example. I may not like some of the things that people do, but I don’t hate the person. Well, I might feel a twinge of hate at that anonymous person in the car that just cut me off, or the person who nearly caused harm to my family, but in general, I try to not hate.

That said, I do hate some things. I hate green peppers. I hate racism, sexism, all of those isms. I hate when I break things. I hate it that I can’t sleep at night. I hate when my family is sick or hurting. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I get frustrated.

Hate is a strong emotion. Hate has its place.

At my oldest daughter’s school conference I had an inkling that her school hates the word hate. Later, I asked her and K-Man about it.

Are you allowed to say hate at school?

(Both kids) Oh no! Hate is a bad word!

Is it? I find this a little odd. Curse words are probably bad. No, not bad, inappropriate. What are “bad” words? There are some. I won’t write them here because they ARE bad. Racial slurs. Those are bad. What else? Cancer. Cancer is a bad word when a doctor tells you that you or a family member has it.

Is hate a bad word? Am I bad for hating things? I don’t think so.

So, you’re not allowed to say, “I hate broccoli? What happens if you say that?

Oh! We’d get a detention.

Hmmm. I let the conversation trail off because I was a little taken aback. Apparently my kids are not allowed to express strong dislike for things. I can see the reasoning of not allowing kids to say they hate another person. I think that mostly people don’t REALLY hate one another (not talking globally and religiously and all of those very deep-seated biases) but just day-to-day interactions I don’t think people truly hate one another. Ignorance is a whole different thing.

But. I’m hearing that my kids can’t say I hate it when my friends tease me. They can’t say I hate feeling sick. I hate being scared when a storm rolls through. I hate doing homework when I’d rather play.

These are all valid emotions and expressions.

I hate that they are not allowed to express them at school.

Adventures in Volunteering and Eating With the Little People

This week is Quarry Hill week at the big kids' school. Quarry Hill is the local nature center, built on the grounds of a former state hospital. There is an old limestone quarry, hiking paths, a pond, an old fireplace and a man-made sandstone cave.

The cave used to be open and as a kid I remember playing in and around the caves. Since then, two of the cave entrances have been closed off and the third entrance now has an iron gate blocking the door. The only way you can get into the cave these days is with an employee of Quarry Hill.

The cave is often the highlight of Quarry Hill week for the kids. I volunteered to chaperone M's kindergarten class one day and was disappointed that they were not going to the cave that day. I haven't been in the cave since I was a kid. Last year I didn't volunteer for Quarry Hill week at all.

This year I volunteered two days. The first day I went with M's 2nd grade class and the second day I volunteered with K's kindergarten class. By some sort of luck, I was able to go to the cave with BOTH classes.

The second graders were excited as we neared the cave and had to be reminded several times to quiet down. The kids had to pair up and share a flashlight that will be transferred to the other partner half-way through the cave tour. We looked at crickets and learned how to tell that a cricket is a female cricket. We noticed the cave was 60 degrees. I was relieved to learn that there are no bats in the cave in the summer time...they only use the cave in the winter.

Somewhere along the way I inherited another friend, another little girl claimed my other hand for the last half of our time at Quarry Hill. M on one side, A on the other.

When I went with K's class, the kindergartners were just as excited until one kid planted the seed that he was nervous about being in the cave. Then suddenly the whole class was filled with worry. The only thing that brought them out of their funk? The mention of a secret passage. Ooooo. It really is just a hole in the wall of one of the cave's rooms, but the kids thought it sounded exciting. Then we all walked through it and a few of them felt cheated and wondered where the secret passageway was.

I gained another little friend in K's class as well. I must look friendly or something. Boy, do those kids have me all wrong. I guess M and K haven't told them about my mommy fits.

I ate lunch at school with each of them on the days that I volunteered. Surprisingly, I had to open more things for the second graders than I did for the kindergartners, but the second graders all have known me for going on three years now so maybe they just felt more comfortable. Both lunch sessions included a few questions about the notes that I write and put in the kids' lunch boxes almost every day. One girl in M's grade looked at me and said "my mom only puts a note in my lunchbox on Valentine's Day." I felt a little sad for her and happy for Miss M. They do care and they are proud of those notes. Apparently the other kids are a little jealous.

Hey, it's a little thing, but at least I'm doing something right!

School Progress Report: Sleep=0

Two and a half weeks into the school year and the kids are tired. Even when they get in bed at an early hour, they fight sleep. (I wonder where they get that from? ::whistling::) M had been playing her Game Boy, as it turns out, until the battery died. I haven't charged it again. I'm guessing she's moved on to her MP3 player but that, at least, tends to soothe her to slumber. K is less subtle in his avoidance. Just last night I heard the tell-tale sounds of a tape dispenser. Opening his door I discovered K with the light on and a full-on craft project going...TWO HOURS after he'd been tucked into bed. I'd like to encourage K to lay in bed and listen to his MP3 player to soothe him to sleep as well, but he lost his player sometime on our trip to the Mall of America some weeks ago. (That player was a lifesaver in many ways. I've ordered a new one for him just to save my own sanity. I know, I shouldn't since he lost it, but hey, I'll do things my own wrong way.)

They seem to be holding it together at school. I haven't had any bad reports from the teachers and have even heard some positive remarks. But once that afternoon bell rings they can no longer control themselves. They are over-emotional, they whine, they fight, they whine some more. I'm trying to remain zen and understanding, but I really hope they turn the corner and get adjusted to the routine soon.

There are glimmers of hope, however. Miss M has taken upon herself on occasion to pick up Ms. D's toys without being asked. She has done her homework every day without complaint. K Man has asked M to read him books instead of fighting. Last night they were planning an elaborate theater production in which their cousins are supposed to appear as actors as well.

After 2 years of taking M to school, I've adjusted to her being gone during the day. Now my mind needs to catch up to the fact that K is gone to school during the day too. Yesterday, waiting for the school bell to ring, it struck me how quiet the car was and I thought K must have fallen asleep. Except he hadn't because he's a big Kindergartner now.

So we continue, K waking too early, me waking Miss M as late as I dare. I pack two lunches, make three breakfasts and load my children into the car every weekday morning. This is our routine now, at least until October when they will have a three-week break from school. We already have plans to fill those weeks with what I hope to be fun with much less fighting than we've seen in recent months.

I'll brainstorm ideas to get the kids to sleep more, and better. A rested kid learns better and behaves better. I know they can do it.

Random Thoughts #36

1. We visited my in-laws last weekend. Friday noon through Sunday 10 in the morning. M and K continued to fight even at their grandparents' house. I chased after the baby nearly the whole time and while I wish that I'd lost about 5 pounds in the process I think my eating the whole bag of Gardettos negated any weight loss.
2. We didn't eat roast or corn or mashed potatoes while we were there. I'm scared for the health of my mother-in-law. In fact, we didn't even eat pizza on Friday night and that is just wrong.
3. I'm fairly certain I'm coming up on (or in) the cranky time that :::shhhh::: we will not talk about. Step lightly my friends.
4. #3 means I'm feeling all sad and sentimental and also wondering why my blog readership/following is so low. So I get all sad and bummed and think I suck.
5. My two older children will be starting school next Wednesday and Thursday. I'm both sad and excited. Excited because I want to start working out again regularly and also because they have been fighting nonstop. I'm sad because. Because.
6. I want very much to enjoy these last few days with all of my children home with me. I'm pretty sure my two older kids will make me want to eat them.
7. Do I have anger issues? I might. I should seek help.
8. There were at least 2 awkward moments while I was visiting my in-laws. Let's just say that my eyes may never be the same again.
9. Also? If you think you need new underwear? You probably do.
10. I may, or may not have just vomited a little in my mouth.
11. On the bright side, it was fun showing and teaching the grandparents how to use the Wii. Maybe they will buy one and play games together instead of grouching at one another. :::swooo::: (sound of my holding my breath)
12. The baby's fingernails are pretty much drug-length at this point. I don't think she has a habit, but she certainly wails when we try to trim her nails.
13. I hope to someday soon find another stay-at-home-mom who wants to be my friend and do things together regularly.
14. I sound pathetic.
15. Hi! I'm Heather and I'm pathetic. Also? A little socially stunted.
16. I would be a wreck at BlogHer.
17. I'm still a little sad I won't be there.
18. Gah! I still have to prepare a big birthday party for 2 of my kids.
19. Not that I'm worried or anything. ::looking around anxiously::
20. My hair still sucks, but perhaps in a couple of weeks I will have time to get it done. ....Sob! In a couple of weeks I might have time to get my hair done because two of my kids will be in elementary school. Oh man.

Edited to add: Wow! Depressing much? This was intended as light-hearted but when I reread it now I sound a little like I should be on suicide watch. Also? #2 where I say I'm worried about my MIL's health? THAT too was sort of a joke because she usually fixes roast beef, mashed pototoes and corn every time we visit. I thought she might be feeling a little off that she didn't fix it. I know, bad joke.

Frustrated and Failing

I'm frustrated.

These summer days, fleeting for all of us in Minnesota, pass even more quickly for our family now that we have our kids enrolled in the "year round" school. Those three-week breaks during the school year are wonderful. It gives me time to take my kids to the zoo, to bake cookies, to do all the things we wouldn't get to do if they were in school. But the start of school comes so soon. Summer is stripped to six short weeks for us. It passes before I know what's happened.

I have plans of adventures I'd like to go on. And we would go on them. We would. I'd go a place a day if I had to to fit it all in. But my kids can't handle it.

I'm frustrated because I want us to have a ton of fun these last days before school starts but instead my children are fighting and sassing and I'm responding by yelling and saying things I shouldn't say.

I don't know how to fix it, how to reclaim the fun and spontaneity of summer. I don't know how to get out of this grouchy, yelly funk. This is not how I thought summer would be this year.

Soon I'll be home with only Ms. D. While I was pregnant with her, I experienced life with only one child at home again, but it was as a tired, rotund, lazy pregnant woman. I don't know what I'll do with just the baby at home. Probably a lot less than I'd like to do! I think I squandered the days when M and K were both at home and could play together. I should have gotten a lot done.

But for now, they are home together and cannot get along for more than one hour at a time. There has been hitting, kicking, wrestling...even biting. They are tired. No. Exhausted. But we get them into bed early and they fight sleep tooth and nail, getting out of bed with excuse after excuse...or no excuse, just a blatant disregard for parental authority.

What? Oh that's right. I don't have any parental authority. I told my kids that I must be the most awful mother in the world because they don't seem to learn the things that I need to teach them. That I told my kids that? Pretty much clinches that I suck as a mom.

Some people believe that children go through phases of equilibrium (agreeable, mellow) and disequilibrium (brats). The chart that I've seen shows a spiral of equilibrium on the half-years and disequilibrium on the whole years. I think. God I hope I have it backwards because if my kids are in equilibrium right now? ::waving white flag:: I give up.

I give up but I don't. I can't give up because I love these little monsters and I want them to be good people. I fear that I am failing them.

I know that the argument will be that I am a good mom because I care, and yeah, I see that argument, but caring only gets you so far. I am failing and I don't know what to do. I am not as zen as I should be. I lose my temper more than I should. My kids learn THIS from me with no problem whatsoever.

It is a little weird when a 13-month-old listens to her parents better than an almost-5-year-old and an almost-7-year-old.

I do think that the sleep issue is a lot of the problem. Perhaps I should give them some diphenhydramine? (ha ha! I kid! I think.)