Writing Vomit #4-Love Hurts

I have bruises on my arms. It's fine. I didn't even realize my arms were bruised until about 15 hours later and found the marks and/or bumped my arm where a bruise happened to be. I work with kids with emotional and behavioral disorders. It is expected in my job that kids will act out. The truth is that kids with emotional and/or behavioral disorders often act out for reasons they cannot control.

My 2 younger kids have learning disorders that are often misinterpreted or belittled. A learning disability does not necessarily mean that a kid is "just being lazy" when they seem unable to complete work. Work avoidance is definitely a concern, but telling a dysgraphic kid that they just need to try harder is like telling a blind kid to try harder to see. Handwriting is replaced with keyboarding or pictures as much as possible. 5 years after the diagnosis for my son and we still fight for accommodations. Dysgraphia affects more than just handwriting. Here's a link that describes dysgraphia in more detail if you are interested in learning about it. Understanding Dysgraphia

Kids with brain disorders that cause them to act aggressively and/or other anti-social behaviors are often born into environments that are not conducive to brain development. Though it should also be noted that poor physical health can also contribute to a lack of proper brain growth.

Case in point on the latter issue is my son again. He suffered from several ear infections as an infant. His health wasn't as bad as many children, but it was enough of an issue that he didn't crawl until after ear tube surgery at 10 months. His brain couldn't concentrate on learning to move until he felt better. The same is true if any basic need is not being met. A child's brain won't develop if basic needs are not met.

I think that many kids with these extreme behavior disorders especially lacked at least one if not more basic needs in utereo, during the birth process, as an infant, or as a toddler. Damage during these formative months and years can cause a child's development to derail. But even if a child passes these years unscathed, trauma later in life can cause irreverable damage.

It is disheartening to see how some of these kids are treated by the adults that claim to care for them. I've been asked several times by adults at my school why we "let" these kids be there. What if it were your child? What if something happened that was beyond your control and your child is the one that has special needs? What if you opened your home to a child who had a less-than desirable infanthood? Do they deserve a chance? Multiple chances?

That is a question I struggle with often. It is hard to see full-time mainstreamed kids have to deal with kids that can't handle a regular classroom. It's hard to see them have to be evacuated from a classroom for safety. It's also hard to see kids in crisis. Kids that deserved and now also deserve better.

The kids I work with want and deserve love. Some crave contact, others avoid it at all costs. Each child is valuable, and loveable. Those of us who work with them value them, and they (for the most part) see that. We are their safe place.

Everyone deserves a safe place.

As I Once Again Consider "Unschooling"

There is a reason for traditional education. People make judgements about you by the way you speak, the way you write, even the way you dress. I once got a job because I wore nice shoes to the interview.

There are also reasons to buck tradition and cultivate unique talents in individuals. It used to be that you could graduate from high school and get on-the-job training. It seems that is a thing of the past and I think it's sad.

I'm willing to bet there are several qualified people out there who couldn't go to college that would be perfect for on-the-job training, who would also happily work at that job for a lifetime. Many businesses are going to only hiring college graduates now. I think these are the people who will view any "starter job" as just that. Temporary. Then the company will be forced to train another person every 1-2 years instead of training one person for 30 years.

I went on this tangent of thought following my son's school conference. He has much work to do to catch up to his peers. Dyslexia sucks. (But I will take dyslexia if it means avoiding cancer and more craptastic obstacles in life.) He is trying SO HARD to learn and it is still falling short. I am trying with everything I have to make sure he knows he is SMART. Oh boy is this kid SMART!

I can't help but think of genius like Einstein.

Don't misunderstand. My son's IQ is not in the genius range. (And I'm happy that it isn't.) Super intelligence seems to beget super problems socially. My son is very social and very enthusiastic about life...most of the time.

But my son struggles in school. He's reading at about a first grade level near the end of second grade. His writing is sloppy (in Kindergarten it was remarkably neat...I don't know where it went wrong.) and his spelling is atrocious.

I wonder how much these things matter though. How often do you hand write something at your job? When do you not have access to a spell check? (Seems like spelling tests should focus on homophones.)

If you are going to be a cashier, learning to make change is still important. What if you type in the wrong thing to the register? Is it really necessary to call a manager to make change when someone has a bill of $12.06, gives you a $20 and 6 cents?

There is a disconnect with teaching children real life skills.

Things most people should know by the time they are adults:

1. How to separate clothes before washing.
2. How to run the washing machine.
3. How to toast a slice of bread.
4. How to make change.
5. How to sew on a button.
6. Basic manners: ie: holding a door open, letting a pregnant woman pee before you if there's a line, expressing gratitude when someone helps you, and for the love of God pick the thing up if someone drops it.
7. How to make small talk and make someone feel special. (I have crapped out on this one.)
8. Recognize that the world owes you nothing.
9. Give your elders the respect they deserve. (Not if they are abusive or other non-respectful crap.)
10. Know what to do if you are separated from your group.

My son is very intelligent. His niche is there, whatever he wants to do and to be.

Traditional school does not hold my heart.

And The Boy Struggles On

My son is a remarkable person. I'd guess that most people who meet him will remember him for a long time. My evidence of this is when we visited Amish country one year later and one of the Amish ladies asked us if we'd been there before. We said yes but there was no spark to her memory until K Man came around the corner and started chatting with her. "Oh yes!" she said, recognition breaking through. "I remember him!" He makes an impression.

When we finally had him tested for ADHD and learning disabilities, it was a hard decision to make. I worried that he would be diagnosed with ADHD and we'd have to put him on medication. I worried he'd be a different kid. It turned out that he was "borderline" ADHD which led us to test him for learning disabilities.

Short story, for those who haven't read about it, is that he has "a disorder of written expression" which is a round-about way of saying he has dyslexia. (Or a more specific way of describing the area of his particular disability.)

We met with the principal of his school who then met with K's teacher and other staff to make a plan for him. The plan was implemented last quarter. Or at least we thought it was.

My son's self-esteem has dropped. Kids at school are teasing him because he "won't get enough points to pass" second grade. His teacher told me she didn't have time to do some of the things in the plan. He started refusing to do even math problems that he knows how to do (saying he didn't know how to do them). That was a big signal to me that he is feeling badly.

I take some of the blame in that I didn't speak up immediately. So now we've lost an entire quarter of my son's academics staying at a flat line once again instead of moving forward.

I spoke with the principal again and he spoke with my son's teacher (who, I'm told, was crying and the kids thought she was being fired. ::guilt::) and the plan is supposedly going to be followed now. MY plan includes checking on the plan at least once a week.

I can admit that my social anxiety gets in the way sometimes, but I will definitely advocate for my kids. I also need to do more reading about how to help teach my son. What have other parents of kids who struggle with dyslexia done?

Diagnosed: Or, I'm Pretty Much Always Right

If you read my post yesterday you know I've been worrying about my Boy.

Moms KNOW when things are wrong. I've especially known with my son. He had several ear infections as a baby. The nurses would shake their heads and humor me but it was clear they thought I was an over-reactive mother. Every time I brought him in he had an ear infection. I just knew.

So my husband and I went to the Mayo Clinic yesterday morning to find out the results of the K Man's 4-hour tests.

Things we learned:

Our son is very intelligent. (No kidding! I knew that!)

He's exceptionally brilliant with verbal skills. (When he talks nonstop? Thanks Captain Obvious!)

Math skills? Average. Math word problems? Exceptional.

We were told that they diagnose disabilities when intelligence scores and skill scores differ by 15 points or more. K's intelligence and spelling scores differed by 40 points.

What does this mean? It means he is extraordinarily intelligent. It also means that when it comes to spelling and writing, he has a block.

Dyslexia is a term that Mayo no longer uses. Too general. Too broad. K's disorder is something to do with writing. The technical term escapes me, as it did the physician who had to check his notes. It's new terminology. It narrows the diagnosis.

I'm both relieved and sad. I knew there was something going on with him. I KNEW he was sooooo smart. Now we'll learn together how to teach differently.

Have I mentioned that I love the heck out of this kid?

Possible Answers and Probable Questions

I'm anxious this morning.

My mom is coming out to our house to babysit the three kids. Craig is going to take some time off from work. I will drive to the Mayo Clinic by myself, ride the elevator up and check in at a desk as K Man's mom.

The Mayo Clinic can be intimidating I suppose. I grew up here, mostly. Doctors don't seem that special to me. I could have been a doctor. I didn't want to be one. It's a job; a career. Just like any other. Yes, it takes more training than many choices. But I've met several physicians who probably should have chosen a different vocation. I know myself and I can be cranky. My bedside manner probably would have been crappy at best.

Mayo tries to provide a welcoming atmosphere. In the Gonda building there is a grand piano. Most of the time, there is someone sitting there playing a tune. Sometimes that person is accompanied by someone who sings. Tuesday, there was even a woman who brought her ukulele and sang. People pause and listen if they have time. I had plenty of time while K endured 4 hours of testing.

I'm not sure what outcome I want from this testing. On one hand, he's completely normal and just needs to focus more on spelling and reading. He may just need to "grow up" a bit. On the other hand, he's suffering from a learning disability or two. He's been struggling and I've been pushing him even though he simply can't do what I'm asking him.

Either scenario is less-than ideal. If there are no disabilities found we're left to flounder and fight over reading and spelling homework. If there are disabilities found we have to figure out new approaches to teaching and learning.

It makes my heart hurt for my beautiful boy. We will all soldier on to find the answers we need. And I'll hug and kiss him every step of the way.

Random Thoughts #56

1. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but pimples suck. I'm ::cough cough:: 29 and still get pimples all the time. One of my friends once told me that it's actually a good thing to have oily skin because I will look younger longer than someone with dry skin. I'm pretty sure that's because I'll look like I'm a teenager because I have a zillion zits.

2. This week will both be busy and not busy. K Man has his testing for a learning disability this week. That day, and the two days following until we get the results, will be emotionally exhausting. The kids have swimming lessons, bells practice, preschool. The Bigs are on break so we'll try to squeeze some fun in somewhere. I have 3 photo sessions on Saturday.

3. I'm trying to update files for my photography. It takes much more time than it should because I worry about everything being just right. I know I'm under-charging at this point, but I also need to build up a professional portfolio. I also don't want to price my services out of the range of most families. I don't think that people should not be able to have great photos of their families because they have limited income. It's a tight-rope walk right now.

4. I miss blogging. But I feel like I have little time to blog lately.

Some Answers, More Questions: ADHD or Learning Disability?

The K Man had his first appointment on the road to figure out what is happening in his brain. Anyone who has met him can tell he is friendly, enthusiastic, intelligent and creative. This is the short list of positive things about my son.

We (I and his teachers) suspected ADHD. K Man is movement. Once he had ear tubes as a baby he started crawling and hasn't slowed down since. He talks a lot. A LOT. He can't sit for a meal at home. If there is a toy within foot reach he will fiddle with it until we move it out of reach. Conversely, he can sit for a church service and a funeral service with no issues.

He falls apart if you ask him to practice spelling. If he has math homework he does it with no issues and mostly gets the problems correct the first time. He's still getting help at school in reading and math. The math help at school puzzles me. Though he took a standardized test and scored below grade level in math, reading, vocabulary...etc, etc. When he brings the math worksheets home he does them with no fuss and gets the problems correct most of the time. Spelling and reading homework cause crying jags. Refusals to do homework. Family upset.

Initial diagnosis? He's borderline considered ADHD. I don't like the idea of medication so that is last resort. He may have a learning disability so we're testing for that in a few weeks. My suspicion is that he has a learning disability that causes him to act out. This boy is SO SMART. He's so creative. He has IDEAS. He's happy, friendly but unfocussed.

He's going to be tested for learning disabilities, which I suspect may be the real culprit here. I'm looking at dyslexia with a pointed glare.

It probably seems silly to most parents, the anxiety and stress behind seeking a diagnosis such as ADD or a learning disability, but I assure you it sucks rocks. My boy is my heart. I hate to think there is anything "wrong" with him. (If you think there is something wrong with him I'll arm wrestle you and I'll win.)

I recognize that this diagnosis is far better than something like cancer. Things are relative. We are lucky and not at the same time. Our kids are phenomenal. The appointments for K are because he is struggling with reading, spelling, vocabulary. He consistently transposes letters and numbers. It reeks of dyslexia in my mind. But I'm not a doctor.

The saga continues...